Things that piss me off...
         People who say, "It's always in the last place you look."

No shit, Einstein! Do you really think anyone keeps looking after they find whatever it
is that they are looking for? I mean seriously... When was the last time you said,
"There are my keys. I left them on the end table. I wonder if they're under the couch."
Think about it.


      People who call you & continually ask, "Are you there?"

Do you hear a dial tone? It's called being polite. You were talking so I didn't. Maybe if
you shut your fucking mouth long enough for me to get a word in, you wouldn't have
to wonder if I'm still here..

These self righteous assholes are not talking with you or to you, by the way. They are
talking
at you. They couldn't care less about your opinion. They merely want to inform
you of theirs. They seem to enjoy the sound of their own voices. They think so little of
your time, believing that you have nothing better to do than endure their endless banter.
Do yourself a favor and hang up.


             
Woman who say, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

No, the dress does not make you look fat. It's the ass in the dress that makes you look
fat.  Let's face it, the dress, with out your ass in it, looks flat. It is almost two
dimensional. That third dimension - DEPTH - only becomes an issue after your ass is
in the dress. If your weight is such an issue for you, maybe you should spend a little
less time with Ernie and the rest of the Keebler elves.

And, do you ever notice that they never ask if they look fat in the dress. It's always the
dress making them appear fat. The 50 extra pounds of cellulous they tote around has
nothing to do with it. It's all the damn dress. It takes an active adversarial role.


                        
People who say, "You can't do that."

I beg to differ. Obviously, I can. If I were, in fact, not able to do "that," we would not
be having this conversation. The very fact that we are discussing it implies that I am
capable and willing to do just that, so FUCK OFF!


                   
People who say, "Can I ask you a question?"

Isn't it a little late to worry about permission now? If you felt the need to get my
permission to ask the second question, why did the first one flow so easily off of your
lips? Why do you feel the need to waste my time with two questions when one would
suffice quite nicely? Try to be a little more considerate of my time.


                
People who use wrongly use scientific terminology.

"As you can see from the footage, Chris, the building just imploded." I hate to burst
your bubble, but it did not implode. It collapsed inwardly. Implosion is a very specific
scientific phenomenon. Had the building, in fact,  imploded all atoms of which the
building was made would attempt to simultaneously attempt to occupy the same space.
The walls, the roof, and the floor would all rush as fast as possible to the gravitional
center of the building. This did not happen, and stating that it did on national television
makes you look like an ass.


People who think you don't understand them because you don't agree with them

You can repeat yourself a million times, corky. I am perfectly capable of
comprehending what you are saying. The fact of the matter is that I do not agree. You
can explain it until you are blue in the face. It won't change the fact that I think you are
a fucking moron who somehow found a way to short circuit the process of evolution &
who seems to exist for the sole purpose of stealing valuable oxygen from other, more
intelligent, members of society.


   
The way that Marketing "experts" massacre the English Language

Look, it is either new OR improved. It can not be both. Either we have never seen it
and it's new, or you made it better and it is improved. If you make it better, but we've
never had the opportunity to use it, it is simply new. The "improvement" is part of a
process called "product developement." It is supposed to take place prior to marketing.


               
Presumptious Americans on the World Wide Web

When you some one asks you for your a/s/l (age, sex, and location), "Dallas" is not an
acceptable answer. It is also not acceptable to simply say "Ohio." I know you may find
this hard to imagine, but not everybody in the world knows American geography. It is
typical American egocentrism that leads us to believe that this is enough information for
someone to adequately locate us on a map.

I have friends who live in "Essen." Ever heard of it? Would you know where they were
from that description?  Unless you know a bit about German geography, it may be a bit
tough. Fortunately, when you merely list a city or state as your location, you arrogance
betrays your country of origin.


                               
Redundant use of Abbreviations

How many times do you hear people say things like "VIN number," "PIN number," or
"HIV virus" every day?  I often wonder if these people have any idea how fucking
stupid they sound.  I wonder if they even realize they are, in essence, saying, "He has
the Human Immuno-deficiency Virus virus" or "Don't forget your Personal
Identification Number number."  A few days ago, I heard a reporter talk about the
"NATO organization." Now, this may come as a shock to you, but "NATO" is all one
needs to say. The "O" at the end of "NATO" is there to represent the word
"organization." What you are doing defeats the original intent of the abbreviation.
Knock it the fuck off!!!


People who make the assumption that education is equal to intelligence

For the sake of discussion, let's use science and technology as a benchmark.  Some of
the most intelligent people on this planet have never attended a university. How many
of you learned Einstien's theory of relativity in high school physics? It explained gravity
better than Newton's theory. (Sorry people, gravity is a theory, not a law.) As a matter
of fact, it was not until fairly recently that the flaws in the theory of relativity came to
light. And think, Einstien was an 8th grade educated patent clerk.

Computers are one of the many marvels of the modern age. Yet, most computer
programmers are self taught. In many states, you don't even need a degree to be
considered an engineer. All it takes is 11 years of on the job experience and a passing
grade on an exam. (Personally, I trust the 11 year veteran more than the college grade
anyway.)

If you take a look through out history, you will discover that a vast majority of the
things you go to college to learn were conceived by people who would be considered
uneducated by today's standards.


           
People who say the world is worse than it has ever been.

This statement betrays a ignorance to the depth of human history on this planet. People
have existed on this planet for over 150,000 years, according to archeological findings..
The Sumerian City States existed 3,000 years before the common era. And just 250
years ago, a trip to the next city would have taken days on horse back. And during that
trip you could expect to be robbed, beaten, and raped.

My grandfather was born prior to the turn of the last century. Think of how life has
changed in his life time. From horse drawn buggies to a car or two, or even three, in
every garage.  Calculators used to take up entire buildings. Now my pocket calculator
has more memory than the Commodore 64 I learned basic on, and it's more than a few
years old. From short wave radio to digital television, he has seen technology prosper
and the quality of life improve with it.

Many religious leaders would have you believe that our decadance as a society has lead
to the demise of our civilization. Perhaps they would prefer we return to the more
civilized days of the crusades or the inquistion? They seem to forget that less than
2,000 years ago "christian" was to lions what Purina is to dogs today.

            
Voicemail that tells you the name of the voicemail program

I just called my friend Kyle at work. Much to my dismay, he was unavailable, but the
"phone-nazi" garciously offered to transfer me to his voicemail. The mechanic voice
came on the line and stated, "This call is being answered by
AUDIX voice-power."  As
if I gave two pinches of shit what program they used for their voicemail service. When
I call somewhere to speak to a specific person, I want to talk to them. I realize it is only
polite for the person who answers to offer to assist me, so I don't have a problem with
that.
But when I get transferred to voicemail I only want to be sure that I have the right
mail box. As long as the mimimum wage twit answering the phone got that part right I
am happy. All I want is to leave a brief message and get on with my own existence. I
don't care about anything else. Especially, what company the jackoff in the corner
office decided to purchase his message management program from.