Being American
I am not fortunate enough to be the author of this little rant. I do not know
who was, though I would like to meet this individual. I don't think there is
much I can add, so I leave you with this email message, formerly titled, "
I am
a Bad American
" with the sincere hope that it brings the same smile to your
face that it originally brought to mine.

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I like big cars, big tits, and big cigars.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack
addicts squirting out babies.

China approaches our plane in international waters with fighter jets, crashes into it
forcing us into an emergency landing, seizes our plane and holds our crewmen captive
and then demands an's your apology, China.....FUCK YOU!

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, dammit.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Motley Crew or
even Marilyn Manson recorded.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

Japan uses a sneak attack on us during World War II and wreaks havoc on Pearl
Harbor which forces the U.S. into the war. Then we recently apologized to Japan for
dropping the bomb on Hiroshima which helped to end the war. Here's an amendment
to that apology......FUCK YOU TOO!

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at
Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through
4-7 years of college, you haven't even begun to be enlightened.

I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the

I know that Hillary Clinton is an lying, self-centered, power hungry bitch.

My heroes are Dale Earnhardt, John Wayne, The Beatles, and whoever invented beer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where were all those experts a couple of months
ago, when I was freezing my ass off through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert
after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by
the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-fuck-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches.
And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not
the solution.

I consider Al Sharpton and Louis Farrakhan the most racist people in America.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law,
regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding
who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I worry about dying before I get even.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to
guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked,
and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of
us again.

I enjoy watching high speed pursuits.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they
are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream
media would like the world to believe otherwise.

I believe if she has her lips on your Mr. Happy, it is sex, and it is sex for  both of you.
This even applies when she is a fat pig with self esteem issues, and you are President
of the United States.

If that makes me a bad American, then YES, I'm a bad American. You will get NO
apology from me for it.