The Chip
I am sure that I am a bit "behind the times" and I know that the devices I am
about to chastise are not a new invention. As a matter of fact, I have heard more
than a few news stories on each part of the complete apparatus, but this is the first
time I have heard about this particular conglomeration of products used in this
application.

It seems that the yuppie baby boomer degenerate fucks of this country have taken
the "doggy tracking chips" to a whole new level. At first it was dogs, I don't see
the point, but whatever floats your boat I guess... Personally, I am not going to
pay $5,000 to keep track of scruffy the wonder mutt when I can blow $15 on a
chain and a metal pole that'll work just fine. But I can see that some real
pretentious assholes might want to safe guard their prize Pekingese. But it didn't
stop there. Oh no...

Then they wanted to implant them in children. Now we're getting Orwellian. This
entire concept behind this technology bothers me on a fundamental level. I realize
that they are looking at it from a kidnapping angle, but that's merely a sales
gimmick. Think about it. Who could afford to have their children implanted? The
really rich people right. (The cost is about double what it was for the dog, by the
way.) But they're the ones with the most to lose, right? Sure, but they are also the
ones who get the full cooperation of the FBI, the local authorities, and can foot
the bill for a reward. They can afford an army of private detectives to hunt down
the kidnapper.

But that makes it sound deceptively easy. Satellites work on the same basic
principle as radios. A piece of tin foil will throw a wrench in the whole plan
anyway. As will any large piece of metal - like say... A CAR!!! How many kids
have you heard of taken to Mexico by horse drawn carriage?

These people don't "need" this technology; they want it. Why? The answer is
quite simple really. This type of surveillance represents everything these idiotic
bastards live for. It's new, it beeps, it flashes and it gives a very distinct message
to the world, though this message varies between subcultures. To other worthless
yuppie dick heads it says I am much too busy to deal with mundane details of life.
I have no time for the trivial concerns of the common man. However, to those
who have reached the age reason it clears states that the possessor of such a
trinket has yet to join adult society. Their argument for the use of this technology
goes something like this...

Yuppie #1: Man, I can not keep up. Life just moves way too fast. The payments
on my beach house and condo are outrageous. Then I have the car payments on
the beamer & the rolls. I work all day. And then I come home and these kids
want to play. I just don't have the time or the energy.

Yuppie #2: Why don't you just chain them to the house?

Yuppie #1: That's so inhumane, and what would the neighbors think?

Yuppie #2: What about invisible fencing?

Yuppie #1: I thought of that, but the collars are so gaudy.

Yuppie #2: What about sedating them and carving a hole into their flesh wherein
you can implant a tiny device that will allow you to locate them from the comfort
and privacy of your living room, thereby eliminating the need for any parental
supervision while maintaining the air of parental control?

Yuppie #1: What colors do these chips come in so I can coordinate?

And just when you thought you had heard everything... Now you can get one of
these little beauties implanted beneath your own skin. (I guess some people don't
even have the time to keep track of themselves.) And once you've merged the
tracking chip with Palm Pilot's GPS capability - violá !!! - now you can find
yourself anywhere in the world. Isn't that just fucking wonderful...

Yuppie Boomer: Excuse me, but does anyone know where I put me. I had me
just a moment ago. I only turned away for a second and then I was gone. Now I
can't seem to find me & I am starting to worry...

Writer's note: You and me both pal. Why don't you just drink your double mocha
latté, have a bagel, and shut the hell up?

But wait, it gets even better... You have to remember that the same people who
are willing to pay for home alarms, car alarms, & personal alarms will be adding
this new bauble to their already burgeoning pile of shit. They will spend hundreds
of dollars on insanely useless crap to keep you away from their shit as long as it
beeps, flashes, & whistles. Because they seemed to have the market on self
important delusions cornered, their special brand of paranoia is at an all time high.
They want to be able to find themselves, but they are afraid, and rightly so, that
darker elements of society would use this new technology for illicit gain...

No more being afraid of your wife catching you with your mistress - just see
where she is on your palm pilot. No more guessing whether security is on its way
- just punch them up on the palm pilot. I am sure you can understand their
juvenile fears. To curb these heinous crimes, the people responsible for said
technological advancement have encrypted each person's information using said
persons own finger print as the encryption key. The intent being that only you will
be able to access your tracking information because only you have access to your
finger print.

The fact that any criminal who is capable of finding your personal tracking
frequency would also be capable of breaking this encryption, not withstanding.
Ignoring the fact that they would probably be able to get your finger prints easier
than they could get the frequency itself. And believing that you are actually
important enough that these darker elements give a rat's ass what you are doing
and where you are doing it, all betray a certain naivetté to the real world that can
only belong to some self righteous prick who wouldn't know real life if it bite him
on the ass through his imported Italian silk boxers and his Armanté trouser.

Writer's note: That's how you can identify one of these yuppie twits. Real people
don't wear "trousers" or "slacks."

Even if you ignore everything in the previous paragraph, the technology has no
practical value. What would you use it for? The only thing that even remotely
comes to mind is that you become lost, but what good does being able to find
your exact longitude and latitude do for you?

Charlie: Damn Vern, we're lost!

Vern: Hell, Charlie we ain't lost... According to my GPS were at 38 degrees 19
minutes 20 seconds north latitude and 88 degrees 57 minutes 28 seconds west
longitude.

Charlie: Well, Vern, now we know that we're in Illinois...


So now you know where you are lost, but you are still lost. What was the point? I
know what your thinking... "The Palm Pilot contains maps. You could use one of
the maps to help you." I submit to you that, were these individuals capable of
reading a map in the first place, they would not have become lost. Depending on
their map reading skills at this point would be comparable to asking Jeffry Dahmer
to watch your young Puerto Rican exchange student for a week. (Where's Juan?
Oh, he went over to that nice Jeffry Dahmer's house for dinner.)

But, if you are one of the "lucky" few who submit to big brother's dream and get
the chip implanted, here are a few things to remember that just might save your
life... well at the very least, they'll make the story of your demise more enjoyable
for us....

1) Moss always grows on the outside of trees.

2) The french built a town at the end of every goddamn river in this fucking
country. When you find a river FOLLOW IT down stream. DO NOT cross it.
There will be a town near by.

3) You do not need to investigate every strange noise you hear. Any creature that
is willing to get that close to your smelly poly-rayon blend wearing self is either
sick or too hungry to give a shit. Don't bring dinner to the bear. Make him work
for it.

4) Any abandoned building in the woods was abandoned for a reason. In this over
crowded commercialized cesspool we call life, silly yuppie jackasses pay top
dollars for secluded property in the woods. If one of these degenerates doesn't
want it,  stay the fuck out! You will not find anything but rats, bats, spiders,
snakes, and several diseases yet to be discovered by modern man.

5) When you encounter a wild animal RUN! I know people say you can't out run
a bear, but you don't need to. All you have to do is run faster than someone else...
Beside, I am sure bears get together and talk about humans.


"Hey Smokey, you ever eat a human?"

"No Winnie, why?"

"You've got to try it! Dumb sons of bitches just lay there and let you eat 'em!"

"Really? Sounds much easier to catch than trout."


Well I am done ranting for now. Take care