"The details of my life are quite inconsequential. My father was a relentlessly
self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a
penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe
with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make
outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse
chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the
insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the
spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and
beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really."
- Doctor Evil, Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery
Who the hell do you think you are?
I've heard this question a lot in my life time. At first it was mainly from my mother, but
as I grew up more people seem to take interest in my self image. Inquiries soon began to
filter in from co-workers, manager, neighbors, and complete strangers. It was refreshing
to see how many people had taken an interest in my life, and I thank you for continuing
this fine tradition. Your support is most appreciated. Now fuck off!
Are you really this much of an asshole?
Yes, I am. While some people use the internet as an excuse to puff out their virtual
chest and flex their digital penis, I am the same person on or off line, much to the
dismay of my wife most of the time. I am a jerk, a prick, an asshole, a jack ass ("jack
leg" for those of you in Indiana), a bastard, a son of a bitch, and, now that I have
children, a mother fucker. And I am ok with that. If you aren't, why are you still here?
You found a woman to marry you?
Yes I did. I am married to a beautiful and very (very) understanding woman. We have
been married for seven years and dated for five years before that. So don't feel any
pitty for her, especially when she is in earshot.
Please tell me you didn't breed!
That isn't a question dick head. It's a statement. But the answer is "every chance I get!"
Two of those chances led to my children. Fortunately, they both inheritted their mothers
good looks. Unfortunately, even at this young age, they have their father's charm and
What do you look like?
Have you ever heard of Brad Pitt? Well... I look nothing like him you superficial ass. I
am a grossly deformed hunchback using the internet to live vicariously through the
experiences of others. I spend my days alone, locked in a dank and dark cellar far
removed from the toil of human exist.
Or rather, I was till I found out where you lived... Now I am thinking of doing a little
Why so you hate religion so much?
I don't have a problem with religion. I have a problem with churches. There is a big
In my opinion churches waste valuable time and resources. The church that my wife
belongs to, for example, recently built a new building. When everything was said and
done they spent $5,000,000 to build a building in which to pay homage to a carpenter
who ate bugs and hung out with criminals, lepers, and prostitutes. What they ended up
with was a beautiful edifice to the vanity of man. And while I have no problem with
vanity, I do think hypocrisy should be a criminal offense.
Let's look at Christmas as another example. What's so special about the 25th day of
December? I have asked and people say it is "a time for giving" or "a time to care for
our fellow man." So we should only care about people once a year? I have news for
you. If you didn't give a rat's ass about blind kids January through November, dropping
a few pennies in a bucket out side of Wal-Mart while you rush in to get yet another
useless electronic gismo to silence your spoiled excuse for a child isn't going to make
you a nice person.
Most religions would be wonderful if the people who practiced them would stop
"practicing" and start "doing." If you want to love everyone, then do it. But remember
EVERYONE means just that. Black, White, Red, Yellow and Brown. Homosexual and
Hetreosexual. Christian, Hebrew, Muslim, Pagan and Atheist. EVERYONE. If you
aren't prepared to do that, then shut the hell up about it.
What religion do you practice?
I know this doesn't answer your question, but I don't. I just am. I live by a simple
philosophy. I firmly believe that I have the freedom to commit any act for which I am
prepared to accept the consequences. It's that simple. I don't break any law that would
result in serious jail time (unless I can guarantee success) because I am not prepared to
sit in a cell with a guy named Bubba who hasn't seen a woman in 14 years and happens
to think I have an nice ass. If that ever becomes an attractive proposition... Well...
You didn't answer the question; Are you a Satanist?
Didn't I say that I knew it my response wasn't going to answer your question? But it
was a rather poorly worded question. And you should have expected as much based on
my answers thus far.
I am a card carrying member of the Church of Satan and have been for several years. I
have spoken to people in other organizations. I have read their material and spoken to
their appointed representatives. All I can say is that their organizations are just not for
Since the first time I have pick up the Satanic Bible, I have considered myself a
Satanist. I agreed with the things Anton LaVey wrote. I officially joined the CoS a few
years later, and I haven't regretted that decision to this day.
Why do you worship the devil?
Well, for starters, I don't worship anything. This may come as a big surprise to you, but
your sunday school teacher knows about as much about "Satanism" as I do about
quantum physics. Satanists do not worship the devil. They do not believe in the devil.
And they do not sacrifice animals or children.
The common stereotype of a satanist is an image that has clung to the human
imagination since the days when people believed the world was flat and the earth was
the center of the universe. It holds the same place in the humanity's collective psyche as
Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. They are merely tools to help ineffective parents
control their unruly children. Except in this case "god" is the "father" and you are his
"children." (I bet you're wondering where you heard that before.)
If you don't worship the devil, why call it "Satanism"?
This question has been gone over, hashed, and rehashed (ad nauseum) by everyone
even remotely involved with Satanism. But, for the benefit of those of you following
along at home, we'll cover it yet again. Pay attention because I am only going to go
through this once.
Let me ask you this, why do they call it "christianity"? You don't worship "christ," do
you? Of course you don't. That would be a violation of the first of your "god's"
commandments. (Don't give me that tritinity, three-in-one, bullshit either. That's just a
cop out. A convenient excuse to justify a religious practice that conflicts with
christianity's own dogma.) You named your religious path after the person who showed
you the way. Satanism is no different.
In Satanism, Satan is looked upon as an archetype. Satanists identify with the mythical
being with enough courage to challenge the "all-powerful creator of the universe" and
say, "What the hell are you thinking?" The image of Satan serves as a reminder to
Satanists that we are to question all things. We should challenge the status quo. We
should not accept things simply because they have "always been that way." And, most
importantly, that we must stand by our convictions no matter what the cost.
Is your wife a Satanist too?
No, my wife is a "recovering" catholic... So there is still hope for her...
< insert *evil* laughter >
How can your wife be a catholic and you be a Satanist?
Doesn't that cause problems?
It surprises me how often this question has come up. The answer may surprise you.
Religion doesn't cause nearly as many problems in our house as money. I respect the
fact that my wife is at a stage in her life were she is comforted by the idea of a
supernatural father figure looking over each of us. And she respects the fact that I am
an asshole who is going to burn for all eternity in the fiery pits of some mythical plane
of existence called hell when I die.
Actually, she has quite a sense of humor about the whole thing. Just before my son's
first birthday, my mother-in-law stopped by the house. I had just returned from the
book store so there was about $200 worth of books on various "Satanic" topics laying
on the kitchen table. My mother-in-law looked at my wife and said, "How can you raise
your children in this type of environment?" My wife just smiled and said, "We're not
ready to sacrifice children yet, mom. As long as the cats are still around, the kids should
What do you get out of membership in the CoS?
Like everything else in life you get out of it exactly what you put into it. Membership in
the Church of Satan is no different. It is the first step on the journey, not the
destination. If you join the CoS expecting to instantly acquire enlightenment, you're
going to be disappointed.
As for me personally, to say that my money was well spent would be an
understatement. I have met a myriad of interesting people who I may not otherwise
have met. Some of these people have been able to help me with my career. Others have
been able to help me aquire rare books. And others still are just fun to hang out with,
shoot the proverbial shit, and toss back a beer or four. I have also had the privelege of
speaking to religious studies students at the University of Wisconsin - Oshkosh, Stevens
Point, & Milwaukee on several occasions.
How can you deny your children god's love?
I have always found this question entertaining as it implies that I, a mere mortal, have
the ability to stop an "all-powerful" being from doing what it wants to do. The
conventions of logic would tell you that, if I were capable of denying my children
anything that the "almighty creator of the universe" was determined to give them, then I
must be more powerful than "god" on at least some level. Hence he can not be
"all-powerful" as is the claim.
That not withstanding, I submit to you that I am not denying my children anything. My
children will be allowed to make their own choice of religion when the time comes. If
"god" would punish my children in retaliation for my behavior, then I would wonder
why anyone would consciously choose to spend an eternity in "his" presence
Do you believe in "god"?
Most Satanist will quickly declare themselves atheists if posed this question. I don't
claim to know the inner workings of the universe. Personally, I have always been firmly
apathetic when it comes to the idea of "god." I genuinely don't care if god exists.
My entire outlook on life can be summed up thusly: I believe that I have the freedom to
perform any action that I am prepared to accept the consequences of. In short, "the
buck stops here." I am responsible for everything that I do.
If I am in an accident because I was drunk, I accept I was drunk because I chose to
drink more than I could tolerate. The alcohol did not impare my judgement. Had my
judgement not already been impared, I would not have consumed so much.
If some supernatural being with a toga fetish wants to condemn me for that, than fuck
him. Besides, I know some people who plan to go to heaven, and I can barely tolerate
them in minute quantities. How could I handle them for all eternity?
Have you ever prayed and asked Jesus into your life as a disclaimer?
Have you ever invited the devil into your life? No? Stupid fucking question isn't it?
Here's the scoop moron. If you merely ask jesus, or anyone else, into your life "as a
disclaimer," you're missing the fucking point!
Fortunately, I am not that superficial. If I invite you over for a beer, it's because I want
to have a beer with you. I don't invite you because someday you might be in a position
to help me. And if I did, what would that say about me as a person?
So now I ask you, "Did you invite Jesus into your life as a disclaimer?"
Why am I not surprised?
How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
I have no idea. I gave up on Tootsie Pops about the same time I discovered women.
And while they are both fun to lick, women, as a general rule, don't need to be cut out
of your carpeting if you let them lay out in the sun all day.
Do Fat Bottomed Girls Really Make the Rocking World Go 'Round?
Yes, Matt, they do...
Did I miss something that you are just dying to know? Well then ask. I have
very little to hide... Just be forewarned. I will answer the questions you ask,
so, if you don't really want the answer, don't ask the fucking question. On the
bright side, if it is an intelligent and well thought out question (or if I find it
particularly amusing) it may just find it's way here...