The ignorance of people in general never ceases to amaze me. We have journeyed
to the bottom of the oceans, we have been to the moon and back, we can share
photographs with people thousands of miles away with the touch of a button...
And yet people still cling to the superstitious beliefs that were prevalent when
people were considered a leonine dietary suppliment.
People still ask, "How do you sell your soul to Satan?" The topic seems to come
up so often that Anton LaVey, when writing the Satanic Bible, thought it
necessary to incude an entire chapter devoted to that very subject. Luckily for
you, I am in a good mood... which is exceedingly rare these days.
But before I tell you how to become an agent of the Dark Prince, let me clear up
a few misconceptions people seem to have about the process.
1) Satan is not interested in your immortal soul. I know that there are people out
there who will tell you otherwise, but talking to a priest about the devil is a lot
like asking Willy Wonka if eating chocolate will make you fat.
Ask yourself what would the Prince of Darkness need your soul for. Are they the
celestial equivelant of Pokemon cards? Does he trade them in for prizes? Is there
a trophy room in the Ebony Palace full of souls in glass display cases?
So, while the idea of an Infernal Pact may be interesting, it just doesn't make any
sense. Though, I must admit, they do make a great conversation piece.
2) Lucifer doesn't want you to kill yourself or anyone else. According to the xtian
church, people on earth must fall into one of two categories - Saved and
If you're one of his servants, you're going to hell anyway, right? Why would he
be in a hurry to see you? He has all of fucking eternity to wait for your dumb ass.
You'll get there when you get there.
Anyone else is either another one of the "unsaved," in which case the above
applies to them as well. Or, the person involved is going to heaven and there isn't
a damn thing you can do about that once they die. As a matter of fact, I think
being killed by a Satanist is one of the things that gets you a free pass at the
pearly gate. Doesn't it make more sense to keep them breathing long enough to
Besides, unless you're a necrophiliac, dead people can't do all that much for you.
(Of course, that's an entirely different issue.) Dead people have no real value to
any one. You can't send a dead person to the corner store to get you a 12 pack of
Killians and a carton of Reds in a box. You can't borrow money from a dead
person. Dead people won't bail you out of jail at 3 in the morning. So, unless
Satan took up worm farming in the last few centuries, dead people don't do him
one fucking bit of good.
Oh, and for the record, this applies to to cats, dogs, gophers, muskrats, and
children as well...
3) Lucifer doesn't hate the xtian church. He doesn't want you to destroy statues,
break windows, spray paint walls, or any other petty bullshit. If you have ever
seen the Devil in the movies, you would know that he is one suave son of a bitch.
The man has culture. He doesn't want you destroying works of art. Beauty is
beauty regardless who crafted it.
Not to mention, with all his would-be followers offing themselves, who's going to
get your ignorant self our of jail when you get caught? People in jail are even
more useless than dead people. Once you've been incarcerated, the only thing
you do is serve as fuel for the fundamentalists' fires. And to say that is
counter-productive is a bit of an understatement.
4) Finally, and pay attention because this one is really important. There is no
such thing as the Devil! Believe me, after I saw Elizabeth Hurley in Bedazzled, I
did everything I could to conjurer forth the Dark Lord... Nothing worked...
Why? Because there is not such thing as Satan.
And who is responsible for this continuing believe in a ficticious mastermind of
evil? Why our good friends the xtians, of course. They need the Devil like a fat
kid needs a twinkie.
Ask yourself, if jesus forgives all of your sins, then why does the church continue
to preach about hell? Simple, if there was no hell, there would be no need for
salvation. If there was no need for salvation, there would be no need for church.
And if there was no need for church, there would be no offering... There would be
no guilt... There would be no altar boys... In short, we wouldn't need them or
their outdated morality.
However, if you feel the need to sell your soul, this is what you do. Send me $666.
And I'll act as a liaison between you and Lucifer. He gets kind of cranky around
new people, so it safer for you this way. I'll get him to sign an Infernal Pact much
like, if not identical to, my own, and I'll send it to you. Print it off and sign it.
Then you can show your mom and she can be so proud of you for finally making
something of yourself...
Of course, now you won't be able to afford to move out... But what the hell, a lot
of people live with their parents until they're 30. Besides, you are much too "evil"
to be concerned with how the world perceives you. And now you have an excuse
to wear all of those black clothes you bought. That black trench coat will go great
with your summer outfit... Which looks a lot like what you wore this winter...
Black shirt... pants... shoes... belt... socks... If only you could find black speedos
in your size, life would be great. Birds would sing, the heavens would part, and
the sun would shine directly on you... But alas, all you can find in the local stores
is triple extra large.